Control freak

I understand I have some control issues perhaps. And I’ve completely lost control. My husband refuses to listen to me about my issues with him. I feel I’ve lost his respect since we started having kids and he has major issues showing me really loves me. I mean, he won’t never ever planned any date or anything with me or the kids. That’s weird. The kids will not hear me and are all sorts of nuts. They talk back they never do what I ask. I feel I’ve lost their respect too. My friends and family could take me or leave me while I totally reverted back to same ole town instead of sticking on my own and doing my thing in a place I feel in love with. I hate it here. No love. I do see that maybe the common denominator is me in all this but what the fuck is one to do? I feel how I feel. Right now I feel like running the fuck away. Far away. No route just go. Go go go. But since I have too much co-dependence and nothing to get me anywhere- i can’t go. I have to make a change. It’s just what and how. Maybe it’s figuring out what I can control and letting go of what I can’t. Then feel from there. Just how to you just let go? And how do you let go and still raise children? If I knew it wouldn’t be any easier at this age, I might have run away at 20. Oye vay.

My poor baby needs an MRI on her leg. Wish we didn’t have to do this. She is going To be having surgery next month for her arm that why does she have to go through this? I just hate the thought of her going under two times in her life. And the hubs can’t stop being a basket case to support me. I can’t stop being a basketcase. This is just one thing after another in life. If the world doesn’t end I’ll be shocked. I wish it would just calm down so I can enjoy life. Just can’t seem to do that.

I made the mistake of looking at Colorado pictures. So many great thanksgivings where there. Uncooked my first turkey the first year we arrived. It then brings me to our first house. It was not anything too special but it was ours. It was out first home that all the kids came home to. Fresh new to the world babies and they would come home to our little house. We would have a yearly family trip to the mountains and one year it was thanksgiving in Breckinridge. The mountains are so crips and rejuvenating and I tried to soak it all in before we parted ways. But I know I will never have my fill of the Colorado sunshine or the champagne powder that falls on the hills. And even 2 years later I’m still longing for the real fresh air and atmosphere that drew us there to start. My kids won’t remember that and I don’t know if we choose correctly.